I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore. I've been away from here tackling life.
I'm feeling really
sad. As some of you may remember, I miscarried during the Christmas
I would have been just about
8 months now and should have been getting ready for the birth of our little one
in August. Meanwhile, all I do is think about the baby that could have been...
I cried in the beginning. I
tried to hide it from my husband b/c even though I knew he cares, I knew he was
upset by this, as a man, he dealt with it differently and I didn't want to drag
it out. From time to time we talk about it. Not often though.
The other day, I was talking
to someone who is pregnant and asked her about her due date - August 26.
That was my due date. Before
I could stop myself, I answered her "That's interesting". She looked
at me funny and I realized what I said. Since then, I can't stop thinking
about this baby.
We already have a three year
old and he keeps me busy and happy. I just regret the fact that I was not
able to carry our second.
June 27, 2013
March 30, 2013
(I initially titled this post "Easter isn't for everyone, but Easter itself isn't really the problems here...)
It's Easter weekend. That's great. I'm Catholic and all, although I can't brag about being in church every Sunday because I'm not. I used to be. I used to go every Sunday as a kid. I belonged to a little choir, which then became just a "me" choir because the priests always picked me to sing and that apparently pissed off the other girls. I used to go Sunday, Friday and Wednesdays, every week, for years. Our church had all kinds of prayers for all kinds of things, I was always asked to sing and I didn't have the guts to say no. It was also a way to get out of my very sheltered, controlled by my parents’ house. Fast forward a few years and I went from going always, to going almost never. My husband doesn't go either. He was never the religious kind. I used to fight it and fight with him. Then, eventually I stopped going on a regular basis as well. Please don't judge me. My parents go all the time. Every Sunday and I respect that. We (I) go from time to time but we are not regularly at church.
Every Easter, every Christmas, every holiday, we go to my parents. They don't come over our house. They plain refuse to. It probably has to do with them not liking my husband. It's been a year and a half since my parents been to my house. My mom finally came over this week for a little bit.
Anyway, we always end up at their house. I cook and bake at home, and schlep it all to my parents' house. And that's when drama happens. Just today, I bought flowers for the dinner table. Hardly did I walk through their front door my mom yelled at me that I should have bought her tulips because then she could've planted them in her garden. She told me I don't think like a productive, efficient person, housewife... or something to that effect. Then I got yelled at for bringing her a whole freaking thing of celery instead of just a little bit.
I'm tired of it.
The drama continued through dinner. My sister left early, making up some shitty excuse. I stayed with my husband and my three year old. I'm tired of the Holiday drama. I'm tired of trying to please them. I'm tired of making food only to be criticized for the fat and calorie content.
I understand all the hype of spending time with family. I want to do that too. I'm just jealous that my family is slightly dysfunctional when it comes to stuff like that. Every time I'm there I have a little voice in the back of my head whispering. "Watch your back". And I do. I watch what I say, I watch what I eat, I watch how I act towards my husband. Usually, it's with little affection and almost always barking orders at him. See, my mom believes that he's "a good for nothing son of a bitch". We fight every time I beg him to come to my parents with me, and we usually don't speak on the way home. I fake a smile and say, "See, that wasn't so bad". Only, I know, that sooner or later, I will hear about something that happened, and I always, always come home replaying the whole stay there making sure I didn't do something wrong, that there were no blunders. My husband yells at me for sucking up to them, for trying to make them happy, for not having the balls to stand up to them, or balls enough to get up from the table as soon as shit hits the ceiling and leaving instead of smoothing it over.
Like I said, family gatherings are not for everyone. Holidays stress me, depress me, leave me frustrated and mad. I tell myself every year that I will make everyone come to my house for the next holiday but my gutless self always ends up in their house. Maybe I'll grow a pair by the next big occasion and we'll celebrate it at my house. Given they even want to come over.
February 16, 2013
WOW it's been a while!
Time flies when you have a load of things to do and not enough hours in a day to do it.
Sitting down to my blog today, I was worried that I wouldn't remember the password! It's been that long!
I'm here. Doing well. And moving forward.
Since I've been gone (wow.... it's like I wrote the Kelly Clarkson song!)... ahem...
Since I've been gone
1) I've gone on a diet to eat better and loose weight.
2) Started reogranizing my house (with the help of YouTube which has a number of wonderful people who dedicate time to help people like me through videos) <--- I will post about my favorite YouTube organizers soon
3) While organizing, I have been collecting things to give away to Goodwill. You have no idea how much time it takes to go through closets, take everything out, sort and decide where it should end up.
4) Still working full time
5) Dealing with my toddler being sick, sick and sick again. The last time, this past week, a fever of 104.9.... Yeah. Poor thing, I know.
Hope all of you are doing well. See you soon!
January 22, 2013
January 12, 2013
While I am NOT a stay at home mom and I have hardly any freaking time to catch up on all the stuff that needs doing in the house during the week, I can completely understand the answer to this article. Maybe that's the reason I completely understand and agree with the answer which defends stay at home moms.
This was a fun one!